An Opaque Transparency

Since the beginning of this blog I have attempted to be very transparent about what God is doing in my life and what He is teaching me. There are a few reasons for that. The first is that is who I am. I don't think I am very different from the blog to real life. The second reason is that when I write about varying spiritual issues in my life, it is to benefit me. I have found that when I write things out I gain a better grasp on what I am dealing with.

As I thought about this apparent transparency that I have online, I realized that it is only a veiled clarity. What I mean is that I am not completely transparent. And I don't think anyone could be. I am still uncomfortable with having my last name associated with the blog and in all truthfulness, no one wants to know every thought that crosses through my brain in a given day. Some of my thoughts would be quite amusing if you could see them just due to the unbelievable stupidity of my brain process at times. While many other thoughts would only offer views of my own wickedness and that is an expose that no one wants or needs to see.

Quite often my spiritual life works like my blog. (At this time some of you are commenting about it being poorly done, infrequently updated, and mostly devoid of true substance. That's ok.) I have found that in moments of repentance and in the process of asking God to reveal sin that lies within my heart that I only want to be partially honest. That I only want to be transparent in part. "God, help me deal with this sin here and here, but I would prefer that you don't look into the sins in the corner." I try to hide and justify some while at the same time asking God to make me like He is, and that doesn't work. Honestly, who do I think I am fooling? I'm hiding sin from God? After all He has searched me and known me. He knows my thoughts from afar. Before I utter a word, you God know it. Where can I go that you are not there? Any attempt to hide sin from God is completely futile.

Yet I think there is another aspect to this issue of sin in my life. I recently came across an illustration that opened my eyes. Picture yourself getting on a plane. You have had your boarding pass checked at the gate and are now on the plane. Settling into your seat 1G you began to run through your mind the varying minuscule snacks that will be offered shortly. "Should I take the package of ten peanuts or the pack of 5 pretzels?" As you prepare for takeoff and taxi out on the runway the voice of the pilot comes over the speaker system. "Thank you for flying with us today en route from Chicago to Houston. It is my pleasure to be piloting this aircraft to your destination today. I just wanted to let you know that in the years that I have been flying it has been my resolution to crash very little."
Excuse me!?! "Very little?" How about not crashing at all. I think that one crash would be enough. But is this not how I live my life on an almost daily basis? If I am being completely transparent, wouldn't my prayers sound more like, "Dear God, in my walk with You today I resolve to sin very little." Is that not how most Christians approach their daily walk with Christ? "God, it is inevitable that I will sin today, therefore I hope to keep my sinning to just a small amount today. Oh, and I would prefer to sin in the following ways. I know that this will be alright with You, because you are the forgiving God. Amen."

I think that my sin may be less of trying to actively hide it, though there is some of that going on, and more a matter of accepting sin in my life. I know that I will sin for I cannot escape my flesh, but my attitude toward my sin needs to change. Instead of viewing sin as unavoidable in my life, I need to be viewing it as the very root of all evil that it is and be active in destroying it. I need to stop being resolved to sin and become resolved to actively kill sin in my life. The late great Scottish preacher Robert Murray M'Cheyne once said that within his heart lay the seeds of every known sin. As in his, so in mine. May my life be ever the more clear of sin that I may know more of Him.