Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Nowhere Man

"He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody"

Disclaimer: This is a continuation of Beatles song themed posts. I only include this because it is one of the funniest stories I know. It is a story about a young man we will call Ted. Ted was someone I met many years ago and was a very casual acquaintance. As in, Ted may actually be his real name, I don't remember. That is how casually we knew each other. He was a party guy and this story involves one such party. I was not there and do not condone the behavior I will relate to you, but the story did actually happen. If anything, read this as a warning to what can happen when you willing inebriate yourself to the level which Ted did.

As I stated above, Ted was a party guy and was also a frequent pot smoker. He was either in his senior year of high school or had recently graduated with no plans of further education. Either way, the Memorial Day weekend was coming up and Ted's friends planned a large drinking party over the holiday weekend. Someone they knew had a piece of property a couple of miles from town that was secluded and located on the river. The property was bare other than a pier that ran out into the river for docking boats. It was really the perfect place for a party since there were no houses or people around.
So the party takes place on Sunday afternoon/evening. There is a good group of people and they get a bonfire going. Someone at sometime has brought some old furniture out to the party place, chairs and even an old couch. The party is going in full force and Ted is well on his way to destroying more of his brain cells. As the party gets into late evening, Ted manages to find a place on the couch which is located out on the dock extending into the river. The party continues on and Ted eventually passes out on the couch.
Well, the evening is getting late and people start to leave, including Ted's ride home from the party. Of course he doesn't realize it because he is sleeping his buzz off on the couch. Or at least he was until he rolled off of the couch into the river. Cold, late May river water has a startling wakening effect on the inebriated sleeper. Fortunately, Ted woke up and was able to stand up and get himself onto dry land. He comes to the realization that it is really late, like early morning hours, and that everyone has left him there with no way to get home. Of course he is also very cold and wet due to his sudden baptism and he is still drunk. He decided that the best thing to do was to go back to sleep and in the morning either someone would remember to come and get him or he could walk back into town. Not wanting to continue feeling cold and wet, and since no one was there, he stripped naked and laid his clothes out near the bonfire so they could dry. He then climbed back on the couch to sleep.
Well the sun finally woke Ted up and he had some vague memories of what had happened during the night. As he got up off of the couch to retrieve his dried out clothes he realized they were no longer where he had placed them. It seems that he had laid them a little too close to the fire and that they had all been burned up. So we now have a naked man two miles from home without a ride. However, Ted is not without resources. Cell phones weren't around yet so he couldn't call anyone. He didn't feel quite right about walking to the nearest farm house naked and having to explain that. But, he did have the couch. Of course a couch that has been relegated to riverside party life is probably not the nicest couch. Imagine grandma's 1971 burnt orange and brown polyester couch and you are probably getting the picture. Well, Ted realizes what he needs to do and really should be commended for his ingenuity. He takes one of the couch cushions, unzips it, pulls out the foam cushion part, and punches two leg holes in the cushion cover. He then steps into the cushion with the zipper portion around his waist and begins his walk home wearing his improv couch cushion "shorts".
As he finally nears his house after walking the 2 miles into town, the full weight of his previous nights actions began to sink in on Ted. For Ted lived directly across the street from Veterans Park. It was Memorial Day. In the town that Ted lived in, they had a parade every Memorial Day that finished at Veterans Park. So as all of the parade goers watched, Ted scurried past them to his house wearing nothing but his couch cushion shorts.
I also strongly considered "Mother Natures Son" for the title of this post. But since Ted went on to do not much of anything as far as I know, this title fit him best. The last time I heard about Ted, he had just survived being struck by lightning. It seems that he really wanted to smoke some pot, so he sneaked out and hid under the tallest tree during a thunderstorm while getting his high.

1 comment:

MadMup said...

Who lives like this?? That's one of the craziest stories I've heard in a long time!